Very important and serious takeaways from the first Republican and Democratic debates, to keep you informed and happy:
Marco Rubio seems like the “nice guy” boyfriend in a romantic comedy that throws a hissy fit when rejected by the leading lady.
Jeb Bush looks kind of like he’d prefer a quiet life as an accountant, but people keep telling him to be president so he’s rolling with it.
Mike Huckabee’s entire being would be destroyed if he realized “Bubbletown” is actually a metaphor for his own mind.
If Donald Trump were president, he’d use the NSA to track everyone on the Internet that says mean things about him and put them on the terrorist watch list.
Ted Cruz looks like a sad cartoon on a comic strip a pug drooled on.
Ben Carson would be a really great guy to smoke weed with, and has an excellent voice for smooth jazz and bedtime stories.
Carly Fiorina is that lady who would like to speak with a manager, and then the manager turns out to be her all along, and it’s some sort of meta lesson on women having it all (except Planned Parenthood).
Scott Walker looks like an alien’s interpretation of an average guy: normal looking but just a little too nondescript to imagine in an actual average guy situation.
Rand Paul looks like the magical twinkly-eyed guide in an old-timey kid’s movie, in which he’d rock a flashy coat and velvet pants.
John Kasich is your uncle that lost his eyebrows somehow while gambling, but it’s okay because his personality sort of makes up for it.
Chris Christie seems like the kind of guy who brags about killing bugs, but then when shit gets real secretly calls the exterminator and treats himself to the Olive Garden.
Martin O’Malley is the human equivalent of a slice of white bread that’s “just happy to be part of the loaf” and “doesn’t realize he’s going to become a hat for my cat.”
Lincoln Chafee is the gentle mailman on a kid’s TV show that showed up to the wrong set on his first day because his hamster died, and never gets any fan mail frown emoticon Sorry friend.
Jim Webb is being haunted by the ghost of that guy he killed in Vietnam. Running for president is a cry for help; a sign that we need both VA reform and a Department of Paranormal Investigation (DOPI).
Bernie Sanders is just an old guy from Brooklyn who accidentally downloaded a browser extension that replaces “kids these days” and “this pastrami sandwich” with “corporate greed” and “the 1 percent” every time he has an impassioned complaint. Please, no one get him IT support, it’s too good.
Hillary Clinton is your sassy no-nonsense MIL who really wants to move into your home to be close to you, even though she’s rich. And you’re like “girl, learn to use an email first, then we’ll talk.”